How I Dealt With My Anxiety Attack
People often ask me how I survived Matt’s illness without unraveling. The truth is - I don’t think I did. Day after day, I stood on the edge of a cliff and looked over it. I wondered what it would feel like to fall over it. Could I survive it? Would I be able to recognize my life after sustaining such an incredible injury? Would it be a life worth living?
The unknown answers to these questions paralyzed me. Sometimes, I would lose what little breath I had and I wondered if the fear could squeeze the air right out of my lungs. I felt like it could suffocate me.
It wasn’t long after Matt’s diagnosis that I began to realize that this overwhelming apprehension had a name - ANXIETY.
BC (before cancer), I would not have considered myself a worrier. It was a rare occasion that anything kept me awake at night. I typically planned the work and worked the plan - whether it was personal or professional. But there was no plan for THIS. I was in over my head and my mind and body knew it.
I talked to my counselor. I visited my doctor. I confided in my pastor. They all confirmed that this anxiety was real and in some ways, a very normal response to the situation. Each of them guided me with practical steps towards managing the fear. They helped me acknowledge my emotions and understand that they were rarely rational. They helped me embrace the help of pharmacological approaches for the season. They helped me see that my anxiety wasn’t a result of my lack of faith - it was a result of the fear of one of God’s greatest gifts being taken from me.
My path forward probably looks different than yours or someone you know who suffers from anxiety. There are no cookie-cutter recipes for overcoming anxiety; no three simple steps to breathing easier. It is hard. It is personal and some days it feels very lonely.
Matt’s cancer taught me a lot, even things I never would have chosen to learn. You don’t know what you don’t know. For me, I didn’t know how very difficult it can be to navigate a world when the fear of it is unbearable. I didn’t know I was taking the struggle of so many people around me so lightly. I didn’t know I was minimizing their struggle.
Now I do. And for that I am thankful. More importantly, I’m thankful that our God also understands the weightiness of it as well. Proverbs 18:14 says, “A healthy spirit conquers adversity, but what can you do when the spirit is crushed?” This is why His word also promises that He goes before you and with you. It’s why He says He will not let us be consumed by the fire or overtaken by the waves. It’s why He promises to be our very present help in times of trouble. Friends, I am praying these promises be real to us all, today and always.